That random journal by that random girl

I was shelving books at WA's library when amidst the others, some theory books about WWIII already having been fought came up. As I glanced over them dismissively, it occurred to me that perhaps... just perhaps.... WWIII has begun and is being fought right this second. It's a tireless sort of war, mainly fought by idiots and people with too much time. But there are few armies in this war. The only objective is to be right, and battle after battle is fought on every subject. Yep, that's right. WWIII is being fought on the Internet.

Caution: not for the faint of heart.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=200249100507&ref=nf

For those that don't want to watch/didn't understand what they saw: This is a video of a girl watching the protest in Iran with her father. A basij member on the roof of a civilian house shot her directly in the heart. There was a doctor onhand, so he tried to save her, but there was no chance she could be saved from something like that. She died in less than two minutes, despite all the desperate hands that tried to stem her blood.


I've studied Psychology for awhile now. When things like this happen, I always ask why. Why would people be in this situation at all? Why would someone shoot an innocent girl in the heart? I keep thinking back to something in Theories of Personality... "Misery and Stupidity"- the causes of mental illnesses, according to one theorist. But really, it's fear and stupidity that cause things like this. And fear and stupidity are often so inexorably linked in humans.

Next dream. ( Yes. I'm saving space on your friendspage. )

Today's dream was something like a mix between an zombie apocalypse and an exploratory game.

It began with me as me, with a group of people. We'd been traversing the city mainly on foot, which included jumping into trains, riding atop them, and walking a lot. It was a big city, but I guess the only way across the rivers was to risk getting hit by train, or to catch a ride on one... legally or illegally. I damaged my computer some in jumping into one of the trains... lost a bunch of the key covers. There was a good while where I was just trying to pick them all up, and I kept finding ones that were the wrong color (blue. Why the frick were my key covers blue?). A couple times (in the same place!) I missed my jump at this one point and fell into water still holding my computer. Anyway, eventually we got to our cars and drove to this shopping mall.

I, then became some kind of James Bond-ly athletic person, walking through the mall alone, when giant purple snake things began biting people and turning them into giant purple snake things. I think some of my friends got bitten. I avoided being bitten by sheer acrobatic and athletic skill. Victoria from Calvin was suddenly there and I told her what happened to my computer. She explained that the DVD player and speakers wouldn't work any more, but the rest of it should be fine. I checked, and this was so according to my Dashboard. As I took the elevator down, it kind of shuddered slammed down on something soft, then rose up again, slammed down, rose up... The elevator was trying to smush one of the purple snake things, which was apparently so resilient, it wasn't dying.

I wrenched the doors open and made a run for it. I got to my car and drove away, and some strange aliens (vaguely human, but taller, with sharper, pointier teeth) were cleaning up the road to and from the shopping mall. It was covered with slime, I guess. From the purple snake things. I drove away at reckless speeds, and everyone let me by... until I nearly hit a couple of the strange humanlike aliens. They had dismissed me and more or less gotten out of my way, except that when I nearly hit one, I slowed and apologized. Then they said, "You're not from around here, are you?" And one of them came after me. Suddenly, my vehicle was open air... maybe it was a motorcycle.

There was a short chase, and he ended up biting me and then falling back. But his bite didn't break the skin. He grinned at me and said something along the lines of "Welcome, brother," and went back to his group. My character then considered the events, and said, "This is where humanity will make its stand." Meaning we would join with the slave class that looks mildly human. Then I woke up. I'm not sure why that was a better idea than being snake people, but the character was darned certain it was.

Well, today's little dream managed to combine gym class with D&D...

We were playing a game where you defend gold coins under hats from monsters. The monsters would show up, and you'd try to defeat them before they got close enough to lift the hats and steal a coin. When you lost all the coins, you were out.

So... I'd already had some kind of magic power, and I was using/keeping track of it through a device beforehand (I was on the sidelines before, using my powers like an image editor to make a different game more interesting). But then we began this new game, and I was one of the players. So we all spread out, and I ended up in the back of the gym, part of a line of people.

It was hysterical, now that I think about it, because I think I was pulling Accursed-Lands animals as my opponents. I started with lynxes and bobcats and the opponents kept being wild animals. The nastiest one was an owl that apparently could cast lightning strike, and got me for 102 damage. Basically I was just casting magic missile and whatever better spells I could think of by yelling their names. Sadly, magic missile was never enough to drop a single opponent. I have to look up if "Caustic Vapors" is actually a spell. I was trying to say "Vitriolic Sphere" but I tripped on it and said the other instead.

...doesn't look like it's a real spell. Closest thing would be "Cloudkill" and that would be a bad spell to cast in a situation like that. I cast it at close range, and it would very shortly kill me and the people around me if I let it. That's a neat spell. Maybe I should have Elial take it.

Sabir Rashalea dances lightly, her silver hair gleaming as she spins. Alone here, in this inn room, she needs not the iron self-control she carefully built over the years. Tears and laughter alike mingle in her consciousness, so she dances: quickly, lightly, and almost without sound at all. No rote pattern shapes her exuberant footsteps, merely the remembered past and the hopeful future.

Ducking and weaving, sidestepping and strafing, her eyes bright with emotion, she touches every inch of the floor. As the surge of feelings abates, she draws a pair of daggers, and her step begins to fall into practiced forms. Without a pause, she improvises from one pattern to the next, each movement both graceful and deadly. Now she lunges, now flips insouciantly away, the bright steel flashing in beautiful counterpoint to her hair.

As the last pattern finishes, she throws the matched daggers into the air almost recklessly, and just as swiftly draws two more. Deftly, without even blinking, she pitches these up as well, fielding the first two just in time. Without letting even a moment pass, the daggers fly up again, and she soon establishes a rhythm. Once again, she begins her footwork, slowly at first, but gaining speed.

Back and forth around the room she races, daring time itself to stop and bear witness to her mastery. Over her head and so briefly in her hands, the black and silver daggers sparkle in their paths, tracing barely visible tracks through the empty air. Faster and faster she whirls, high thrust to low parry, dancing with a thousand enemies.

As the last opponent falls, she falls into a crouch, lobbing the held daggers lightly into the air. Quick as a viper, she catches each as it falls, ending with two daggers in each hand, arms crossed in front of her. Her chest rises and falls quickly from the exertion, but her eyes shine with determination and exultation.

I should be working on my homework right now, but recently I've looking at my arms. I gave blood yesterday, so there's a little poke mark on my left arm to match the one on my right, from the last time. If you look very carefully at the inside of my elbows, you can see a myriad of little, slightly shiny poke marks. Old scars, from donations before.

It's hard to tell, looking at them now, what they were. It's hard to pick them out from the natural creases in my skin. But they're there. Five of them, at least, on the left arm alone. Not including the newest one, which is fading to a dull red. It will turn brown, and then fade away entirely, given enough time.

It makes the homework seem kind of pointless, in comparison. Well, maybe not pointless, but not nearly as important as Calvin would make it.

So, I finally asked my pastor about the whole unbelievers going to hell thing.

It's bothered me for awhile, since I have some atheist friends I really care about. I don't want to see them burn. I wouldn't forget them in heaven, and if I didn't see them, I'd know where they were. And that would make me sad. Sadness won't exist in heaven. So I'm forced to conclude either God would change me and my memories, or God isn't sending people to hell left and right.

I learned a perspective from Rob awhile ago, one that has bothered me ever since he mentioned it. Ipvy brought it up later, and reminded me. God, as some people see him, is an interdimensional lawyer. If you don't do what he tells you, follow all these little rules and such, you go to hell. If you don't meet specific criteria, you go to hell. And since he created you, he has that right. And that, if you ask me, is a jerk.

I don't see God that way. But I can't figure out a way to express how I see it differently. So I asked my pastor. He's going to give me a book to read, but his short answer was that he believes, based on his careful reading of the Bible and other scholars, that only unbelievers who reject him go to hell. Meaning they've had the chance to know him, and have decided against him.

This theory is much more fitting with my sense of morality and truth than either my parents' or my own theory, and any I've heard so far. I suspect the pastor probably simplified his viewpoint, since he was in a hurry, but I'm hopeful that this translation of the Bible is accurate. It's very hard to know. But I don't believe my loving God would throw that many good people in hell.

...you know the rules. tag people in this note (including the person who tagged you. Copy & paste then change the answers.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
That'd be my hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Grey, with pink letting that reads "2nd Veenstra."

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yeah, but it might be awkward.

4. Do you plan outfits?
Nope! I just make sure what I grab doesn't clash horribly.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
I have a mild headache and ice cream. I'm anxious and thoughtful and tired and stressed. But nothing major has gone wrong today. So I'm all right. :)

6. Whats the closest thing to you that is red?
Excluding possible TMI answers, there's a nice little bag of candy-coated popcorn I still haven't eaten about a foot away, and some of those are red.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Um, the last really cool one has its own entry. The last one I remember is probably me trying to continue the storyline I was reading in the comic PS238, before I got to today's comic.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Uh, formally? No. Informally, yeah, there was this nice Asian lady next to us in church. Oh wait, actually, I think I was formally introduced to Kelise's aunt and uncle.

9. What are you craving right now?
human contact, oddly enough.

10. Do you floss?
Yep, it makes my dentist happy.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
I don't eat it. So not much, other than I'm not eating it.

12. Are you emotional?
I'm like a Vulcan. Only one of those ones that's actually trying to feel emotions. Thankfully, nothing's gone horribly, horribly wrong yet.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Yes, but I think I skipped numbers.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I like it most of the time. Makes it last longer.

15. Do you like your hair?
Yes, but it hates me.

16. Do you like yourself?
Eh, I'm all right. I'm not as awful as I could be.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
...probably, just to see how badly the media screwed up his personality for the public. I don't like him, but I might be able to learn something from him.

18. What are you listening to right now?
Existence in Progress, by Icon of Coil. Kriss introduced me to Icon of Coil awhile ago, and I got into it. This isn't one of my favorite songs, but it's not bad.

19. Are your parents strict?
No, they trust my judgement on most things.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Yeah, but I'd rather go hang gliding. Anything that gets me in the air, though, I'll take.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yeah, s'tasty enough. I had some this morning.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Don't think so. I've been near some famous people, but actually meeting them doesn't usually happen.

23. Do you rent movies often?
Psh, no.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Um, well... there's a crystal in the window. Some glitter in my box of oddness, for annoying people with. A bottle of sparkly nail polish, for the once a year I feel like painting my nails.

25. How many countries have you visited?
That'd be Canada and Mexico, so two. Aren't I special.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Yeah, I think it might have been funny, but we just hung up, didn't actually say anything.

27. Ever been on a train?
Yeah, sometimes we take Amtrak to get places. It's all right.

28. Brown or white eggs?
Brown, the shells are thicker. There's no difference in taste, though. Just depends on the breed of chicken.

29.Do you have a cell-phone?
Yeah, but don't text me on it. I won't get the messege.

30. Do you use chap stick?
I have eternally chapped lips. Yes, I use chapstick.

31. Do you own a gun?
No. I do have a nice little sword collection, though.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yeah, but not the way the Asians would prefer they be used. My grip is wrong.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Myself, most likely.

34. Are you too forgiving?
No. I give you a fair chance. Then I give you a second chance if what you did to me didn't completely destroy me. Then it sucks for you. For little things, I'm willing to forgive a lot, but there comes a point at which I just won't rely on you for something.

35. Ever been in love?
Not sure anymore. I would have said yes easily if you asked me a year ago. Define love before you ask me this.

36. What is/are your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Going to class, working on homework, and studying for finals.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Yep, for some reason this Chinese buffet in Pittsburgh had them. Yummy.

38. Last time you cried?
Um, yesterday. Or today, actually. I'm not the happiest person on Earth, I think.

39. What was the last question you asked?
Probably asking my suitemate whether she had her card... she lost it earlier today and we found it.

40. Favorite time of the year?
Spring after it gets warm.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Nope, can't figure out what I'd get. Haven't seen any good designs I'd want.

42. Are you sarcastic?
I am fluent, thanks.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
No, but I probably should.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Yep. I was not paying attention. Probably reading a book.

45. Favorite color?
Blue.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Across the face? No.

47. Is your hair curly?
Nope, it's a bit wavy, though.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Some random ambient music, themed around whalesong.

49. Do looks matter?
Sadly, they do. Personally, I'm so oblivious, I usually don't notice how people look or if they've changed their hair or whatever. I care only about peoples' personality, values, etc.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Never had to try. Probably, but I wouldn't forget.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
Nope. I have a prepay phone.

52. Do you like your life right now?
...eh. It could be worse. Which is to say, no, but I like it better than I like some of the situations I've been in.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on
No, waste of electricity and the light would keep me up.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Why do you think I'm a pessimist? I'd rather be right than happy. There are some truths out there that are horrible depressing. Could I handle every truth out there? Probably not. Could I handle most of it? Yeah. Try me.

55. Do you have good vision?
Heh, no, but mine's still correctable with glasses, thankfully.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
...No. I don't. I make a point of not hating people. If I don't like them, I ignore them.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
As little as possible. I don't like talking on the phone.

58. The last person you held hands with?
Um... Mighta been Kelise. I was helping her get up. If we're talking actual romantic held hands, I think it's been over six months. Probably Avery.

59. What are you wearing?
A dark blue Tshirt and light khaki cargo shorts.

60. What is your favorite animal?
Tough question. I like most animals. My undisputed favorite fish is the sunfish. I'm not sure about animals over all.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
Default picture? I think it just took my profile picture when I was bored. My computer has a camera.

62. Can you hula hoop?
For about three seconds.

63. Do you have a job?
Not right now. I'm in the market, though.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Probably gas for my car.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yeah, a few times. In CT it was sometimes my only way to get into the house after school. Boy was that awkward.

The frick kind of neck pain keeps you from sleeping??! Seriously, this is not cool. No position I lie in does not hurt.

I think I need to find ways of calming myself down. I've been noticing I've been having harder and harder times focusing, and I've described it as being filled with nervous static, buzzing loudly. Trying to focus on something I don't like through that is nearly impossible. My attention slides sideways. I made a list of ten things a couple days ago that were stressing me out, and I don't think I got everything there, either.

I'll survive. I must. The question is whether I'll survive with passing grades.

At some point, someone is going to look at this new handwritten Zondervan Bible. They're going to look at Nehemiah 9:30, and ask themselves, "What creepy weird person's handwriting is that?"

And that will be my bad handwriting, mixed with the calligraphy I learned inn middle school. It was to make it more legible. :P

Weird dream:

I was pretty much myself. Normal capabilities. And somehow I'd become secretary/driver/pilot to the President. I think the scenery started out of a big airplane r spaceship, but it shifted to ground operations and cars later. The President was... odd. The former Presidents had been all serious people, but this President did silly things. He made humorous comments, jokes, and make serious business less so. At one point he did something ridiculous like sitting in jello or something in the passenger seat of a vehicle that slid and then stopped in the middle of a street, and I definitely freaked out and had to drag him back before something hit him.

For some reason I considered myself to have failed because I let this happen, but he comforted me and told me it was okay. I flew him places, in an airplane or helicopter, I think. Both at night and in the daytime. And I sent messages for him by email. And there was this really patriotic town we visited, and the President decided that some army would practice their exercises in the area, but not in the town proper because the people would get in the way too much because they were so patriotic. The last thing I remember was meeting some distant relatives of mine, and them being in the same car with myself and the President.

First this girl was driving and making snide remarks at me with these ugly, malformed teeth in her mouth. Seriously, one of her front teeth was like, the width of three, kind of reminiscent of beaver teeth, but somehow it fit in her mouth. She looked normal, other than this eternal sneer on her face when she looked at me. The mother didn't sneer as much, but she didn't like me either.

Then we stopped for something at a gas station, and the President took over driving, and I and the ugly-toothed girl had an argument over the radio. It was a neat radio, too, it had a station that was purely anime music. I was trying to put that on, but the ugly-toothed girl, with the silent support of her mother and at least one sister, was trying to put on some soft rock station. The President, who was driving, said nothing and seemed to have no opinion on the matter. Finally, I ended up relinquishing the radio in frustration, and I think the President told me I did the right thing after they'd left. Then my alarm woke me up.

The choice between optimism and pessimism. It's a choice most people make subconsciously. Some people may change their decisions. I've been faced with that choice. I am a complicated sort of pessimist, but when simplified, definitely a pessimist.

The choice, as I see it, comes down to this: would you rather be right? Or would you rather be happy? A difficult choice for some.

Psychologically, these paths have been explored. Pessimists and optimists, their statistics, their lifespans, their general health... All of it.

Optimists live longer, get sick less often, are happier, bounce back from failures better, have less depression overall, get better grades...

And yet, if these statistics are to be believed, pessimists are less likely to make mistakes. More likely to see the truth of things. Are more careful in their observations, and thus more correct.

I'd rather be right. I've had enough abuse in this life to treasure what I have. I'm not going to throw away what I have in search on some magic jackpot of happiness. I don't want to endeavor to enjoy every moment of life. Some days I barely get by with what energy I have, much less trying to enjoy the grey and despair. Don't tell me to enjoy everything: it's a waste of my time, a waste of your breath. I don't go through life with a frown on my face. I enjoy what I think is enjoyable, and cherish what wonders I have.

What about you? Would you rather be right, or happy?

You know you're getting old and responsible when you find an abandoned earthmover, still on with the keys in, and don't hijack it to play in the construction site.

You know you're in a bad mood when it's freakin' amazing outside and all you want to do is mope inside and get nothing done.

For some reason, watching "Chuck" made me thoughtful. I almost always try to understand and refine myself in daily life, but recently I've been putting more effort into it, pending my diagnosis by Renee with some kind of learning disorder (I think).

It occurred to me while I was brushing my teeth after the episode that it is given to me to fight. I don't take things lying down often. When I was bullied, I fought back. The action was pointless, did nothing but keep my spirit from breaking and get me beaten up more, but I still fought. I fought because I saw nothing else to do. Because I would not knuckle under to the unfairness.

I inherited stubbornness from both sides of the family. My dad is more obviously stubborn, but my mom has a streak to match it, if you push her enough. Yet fighting and being stubborn is not always the right path.

God grants me the wisdom sometimes to look around, to see when I shouldn't be so aggressive. Some people are put off by such intensity on things that don't matter so much.

But in everyday life, it's a tricky thing. I'm reminded of a Harper motto I read in a book several years ago: In all things, there must be a balance.

Always keeping that in mind, I am glad I have the option to fight.

TEN EMOTIONS.
1. Are you missing someone right now? Yeah...
2. Are you happy? Right this second? Not really.
3. Are you talking to anyone right now? Over AIM, yeah.
4. Are you bored? Nope.
5. Are you German? No.
6. Are you Irish? No?
7. Are you French? Are these codewords for something?
8. Are you Italian? No...
9. Are your parents still married? Yep, pretty happily.
10. Do you like someone right now? Hard to say. I'd give you a straight answer, but I don't have one.

TEN FAVORITES.
1. Store: Meijer
2. Flower: Rose
3. Color: Blue
4. Fav sport: Fencing!
5. Mall: Providence Place. No, wait, the old Mall of America.
6. Music: Lots!
7. Food: Do I really have to choose...? Bah... Filet Mignon, made the way I had it at The Woodstock Inn.
9. Animal: Dang, that's a lot to choose from. Um.. for kicks, the Eurasian Eagle Owl. Or maybe the Screech Owl.
10. State: California

TEN FACTS.
1. Hometown: Not applicable.
2. Hair color: varied brown.
3. Age: 20
4. Hair style: medium long, sometimes pony-tailed or braided
5. Eye color: hazel-ish.
6. Closest friend: probably Avery right now. It varies on where I live and who's around.
7. Mood: Eh. I'm all right.
8. Skin color: red-patterned yellowish white. I have skin issues.
9. Available: More or less.
10. Lefty/righty: Rightly, although I golf leftie. Thanks, Dad.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.
1. Have you ever been in love? Depends how you define love.
2. Do you believe in love? I think so.
3. Why did your last relationship fail: Combination of frustration and failure to communicate on my part. Stupid, stupid thing to do.
4. Have you ever been heartbroken: Depends how you define it. I'd say yes, by my dictionary's definition.
5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Possibly... Don't know for sure. -_-
6. Have you ever fallen for one of your best friends: Not really. My boyfriend tends to quickly become one of my best friends, though.
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them: Yep. It was probably for the better.
9. Has someone ever kissed your hand: Yes.
10. Have you ever had a secret admirer: Someone who actually went out of their way to do that kind of thing? No. Someone who obviously liked me but couldn't work up the nerve? Yes.

TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT.
1. Love or trust: Trust. Can't love without it.
2. Hard liquor or beer: hard liquor, I guess. Beer is worthless to me. I'm no fan of hard liquor either, though.
3. Night or day: day. Though it blinds my eyes, the sunshine and blue sky is beautiful.
4. One night stands or relationships: relationships. Geez.
5. Television or internet: internet, definitely.
6. Pepsi or coke? Coke, but I almost never drink pop.
7. Wild night out or romantic night in: Romantic night in.
9. Phone or in person: in person. I hate calling people on the phone. It's awkward.
10. Msn or aim: AIM.

TEN HAVE Y0U EVER.
1. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? Um... nope.
2. Have you ever skinny dipped: No one should have to see that. No.
3. Have you ever done something you regret? Hasn't everyone?
6. Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: Yes? Is this hard? They're usually pretty small.
7. Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt? Yep.
8. Have you ever been in a fist fight? yes. I don't recommend it, especially if you don't know how to fight.
9. Have you ever danced in the rain? yes, but not for long. I've never felt warm rain.
10. Have you ever had a hang over? Nope. Headaches that I think would rival it, definitely. But no hangovers.

At dinner today, Avery and I came up with something I consider xkcd-worthy. Salad dressing as a topping for ice cream. We've tried chocolate with ranch dressing. We rate it "confusing." This needs to be looked into more.